Feeling Guilty at My Friend's Marital Breakup
I'm feeling so guilty for looking forward to this day, March 8, 2006. This is the day my friend's husband is supposed to move out her house.
Let me tell you the long story and I hope you'll have patience with me - and no, I don't live in a trailer park. If you do live in a trailer park, my apologies for the stereotype, but as I write this...it's so much more dramatic than my life usually is.
My friend, who was the maid of honor at my wedding (almost 10 years ago), met a guy about a year after I got married. Things moved very quickly and they got married in less than a year. I wasn't invited to the wedding at first...because he wanted to keep it to family only. He wanted it that way because he didn't like her to have friends.
Well, I told her how this hurt me and they ended up changing the plans. They still had a small wedding, but close friends were also invited.
Despite that change, her husband continued to show himself as a controlling person who wanted to eliminate outside influences in her life. He said he didn't approve of me specifically to be her friend (Reason why? Still unexplained), but he never approved any of her friends.
He was also violent. He never hit her (at least that what she says and I'm inclined to believe her), but he damaged property frequently. He even kicked the crap out of their car one night because he felt Heidi was being too chummy having her arms around a girl as we walked some friends home (yes, we were quite a bit younger, had no kids and it was a drinking night).
He also never made a meal and never helped with the kids when they had them.
It continued like this for a while. I didn't hear much about the violence, but I always saw the control. Eventually my friend and I drifted apart. I guess for both of us, it became too much of a hassle to hang out together. I regret that.
Well, fast forward a couple years and I find out that my friend's husband cheated on her and was no living with his girlriend. I called her out of concern and we rekindled our friendship. I found at that her husband had found out my friend was involved with someone (months after he moved out) and he came to her house and broke her garage door and smashed things up in the house. Yes, he was arrested. I also found out that suddenly, he wanted her back. I guess things didn't work out with the girlfriend.
My friend never really knew if she wanted him back. She'd been so hurt and I think was more aware of the way he had been treating her throughout their marriage. He continued to pursue her for months and when she didn't give in, he started cutting himself and implying he'd kill himself if he couldn't be with her. She felt guilty and let him move back in last August.
Most of that time, my friend wasn't sure if she wanted him there, but she tried. Since I had recently reconciled with my husband (who has always been a good man, so I can't make a direct comparison), I gave her advice on what worked for me. I still didn't like her husband, but if she was going to try to work it out with him - I was going to stand by her.
Her husband took court-mandated anger management training, went to marriage counselling with her and he started helping around the house. He still didn't approve of me as her friend and even started finding reasons why she shouldn't hang around with her own family.
Well, this time he wasn't going to get rid of me. I continued to stick by her and even give her advice that HELPED him.
Eventually in February of this year, fed up that he wasn't getting enough sex or attention from my friend, he said he would move out and my friend didn't argue. He was hurt that she didn't want to stop him and he keeps asking her if she has a boyfriend. She doesn't.
He's also reverted back to his unhelpful and violent ways.
So, today he is supposed to move out and I'm glad. I tried to help him, even though I didn't think he deserve it. I hate to see a marriage end, but sometimes enough is enough.
Am I horrible for feeling glad?
Let me tell you the long story and I hope you'll have patience with me - and no, I don't live in a trailer park. If you do live in a trailer park, my apologies for the stereotype, but as I write this...it's so much more dramatic than my life usually is.
My friend, who was the maid of honor at my wedding (almost 10 years ago), met a guy about a year after I got married. Things moved very quickly and they got married in less than a year. I wasn't invited to the wedding at first...because he wanted to keep it to family only. He wanted it that way because he didn't like her to have friends.
Well, I told her how this hurt me and they ended up changing the plans. They still had a small wedding, but close friends were also invited.
Despite that change, her husband continued to show himself as a controlling person who wanted to eliminate outside influences in her life. He said he didn't approve of me specifically to be her friend (Reason why? Still unexplained), but he never approved any of her friends.
He was also violent. He never hit her (at least that what she says and I'm inclined to believe her), but he damaged property frequently. He even kicked the crap out of their car one night because he felt Heidi was being too chummy having her arms around a girl as we walked some friends home (yes, we were quite a bit younger, had no kids and it was a drinking night).
He also never made a meal and never helped with the kids when they had them.
It continued like this for a while. I didn't hear much about the violence, but I always saw the control. Eventually my friend and I drifted apart. I guess for both of us, it became too much of a hassle to hang out together. I regret that.
Well, fast forward a couple years and I find out that my friend's husband cheated on her and was no living with his girlriend. I called her out of concern and we rekindled our friendship. I found at that her husband had found out my friend was involved with someone (months after he moved out) and he came to her house and broke her garage door and smashed things up in the house. Yes, he was arrested. I also found out that suddenly, he wanted her back. I guess things didn't work out with the girlfriend.
My friend never really knew if she wanted him back. She'd been so hurt and I think was more aware of the way he had been treating her throughout their marriage. He continued to pursue her for months and when she didn't give in, he started cutting himself and implying he'd kill himself if he couldn't be with her. She felt guilty and let him move back in last August.
Most of that time, my friend wasn't sure if she wanted him there, but she tried. Since I had recently reconciled with my husband (who has always been a good man, so I can't make a direct comparison), I gave her advice on what worked for me. I still didn't like her husband, but if she was going to try to work it out with him - I was going to stand by her.
Her husband took court-mandated anger management training, went to marriage counselling with her and he started helping around the house. He still didn't approve of me as her friend and even started finding reasons why she shouldn't hang around with her own family.
Well, this time he wasn't going to get rid of me. I continued to stick by her and even give her advice that HELPED him.
Eventually in February of this year, fed up that he wasn't getting enough sex or attention from my friend, he said he would move out and my friend didn't argue. He was hurt that she didn't want to stop him and he keeps asking her if she has a boyfriend. She doesn't.
He's also reverted back to his unhelpful and violent ways.
So, today he is supposed to move out and I'm glad. I tried to help him, even though I didn't think he deserve it. I hate to see a marriage end, but sometimes enough is enough.
Am I horrible for feeling glad?
posted by Alice at 4:43 PM
NEW! 
3 Comments:
I am not a fan of divorce, but he is guilty of adultery. Besides, he sounds like the type who would end up beating her or killing her eventually. Yikes.
Oh my goodness! Not only should you be happy for her, I'd celebrate with her tonight!
Yes I think it's great if parents can stay together but if they are modeling behaviour that is damaging to the kids - which a violent husband most certainly is - he needs to leave. Period.
Good for you Alice for sticking by her. Your friend may now enjoy a life without fear... and maybe one day she will find a person to share her life with who will treat her well.
Time to celebrate - find joy in a tough situation :)
Carrie you said:
"Besides, he sounds like the type who would end up beating her or killing her eventually."
You have no idea how many times I've thought that myself.
Thanks for the encouragement ladies. We're going out tonight with the kids, so we'll have a mini celebration.
But, I don't think I said this. he didn't leave because the marriage is completely over. She said she needed time on her own because she felt she wasn't ready when he moved in August - when he basically pushed himself in. So, he's not out of her life, but she's taking time on her own. I just don't know if he's going to respect this.
Still, I'm hopeful she'll find the answers she needs.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home