"Momfidence" Worry less, wing it more
Has anyone read this article yet. The article was posted at dallasnews.com
What are your thoughts if any:
Worry less, wing it more
Quit making parenting so difficult, one mom says
11:09 AM CDT on Thursday, October 19, 2006
By TYRA DAMM / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News
Also Online
Link: Read Paula Spencer's Momfidence! blog
Raising kids isn't as difficult as moms make it seem, says Paula Spencer, who expresses confidence cultivated as a mom of four (ages 7 to 14) and a writer specializing in the parenting of younger children.
The 40-something Woman's Day columnist shares her relaxed parenting philosophy and the adventures of her family in Momfidence! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting (Three Rivers Press, $12.95). "We've made raising kids into this very complicated thing, and nobody can live up to that," Ms. Spencer says. "We make it a lot harder by stressing about whether the milk is organic and whether kids should be taking Chinese lessons to compete in the new economy, whether they make it onto the elite level Pee Wee football, whether his clothes are color coordinated. Most of that is not necessary."
Momfidence! encourages mothers to trust their instincts, have fun raising children and tune out internal monologues of guilt. Here is what she shared with The Dallas Morning News, in a recent phone interview from her home in Chapel Hill, N.C.
What has most surprised you about being a mom?
That me of all people could do it. I was least likely to wear a Snugli. I had never held a baby. I had never been particularly interested in babies. And now I have four kids, and writing about kids is what I do for a living.
What's also surprised me is that it's not so hard. You go through nine months of dos and don'ts in pregnancy. Then you're faced with this little creature whose life is in your hands. You gather up all this advice and input, so you're programmed to think it will be really hard. In fact, it's challenging, it's expensive, it's time-consuming, it's exasperating. And it's a lot of fun things, too. It's not really, really difficult.
Why do moms need permission not to feel guilty?
I don't say that moms shouldn't feel guilty, because I think that guilt and moms go together like sleep deprivation goes with motherhood. I think people get into trouble thinking or being told that they can make guilt disappear if only they would do X, Y and Z. Moms feel guilty about everything all the time. The thing to do with the guilt is to just set it aside. Guilt is like a sign you're having good intentions and wanting to do the best you can. If you listen to the guilt too much, that can make you crazy.
Should moms give up on reading advice books and the latest news on parenting?
I'm very pro-expert. But it's how we use the experts that I think ought to change. My thing is thinking of experts more like cookbooks, where if you have a specific problem, you can look up the answers, but use five different books and check out the range of advice, because Betty Crocker, Emeril, Rachael Ray and Julia Child are all going to have different things to do with the chicken breast. You pick what makes sense to you. Too often we're using experts like they're the gospel truth.
What's the most important advice you offer in the book?
Worry less and wing it more. Winging it means doing the best you can in the circumstances you're placed in.
Why do you think the current generation of moms think motherhood is so hard?
I don't think it's any one thing. I think a lot of trends have come together to hammer us. Smaller family size means parents have more time and money to invest in their kids and worry. The expert culture – they're on TV, they all have books, they're all in magazines. There are a lot more voices out there. The celebrity culture that shows us these glamorous images of moms who look fabulous. You don't see their trainers and Botox people.
More working moms means we want to make the most of the time we spend with our kids. At-home moms have become almost a profession, and you want to do the best by your kids because you're with them. All these things come together.
Are you hopeful that the pendulum will swing back to what you think is the better way?
A lot of moms are saying, "Enough already." When I talk to people, I get this real collective sigh of relief. Lots of people are doing lots of these things already. It doesn't get talked about.
The media gravitates to the extremes: What is really new and bizarre, what is really bad and bizarre. Saying, "Just let them play and let them eat and let them be kids, don't worry about Harvard," are not very sexy messages. But they're such important messages, because I see so many moms who are whipped into a frenzy.
Parenting is such a joy. Kids are goofy and they're fun. They're a pain sometimes, too, and we have our share of yelling and dirty socks on the floor in this house. But the big picture is your family and what happens day in and day out.
They do grow like weeds. They kind of grow themselves, and a lot of how they grow doesn't have anything to do with you, hard as that is for a modern mom to take.
You're often cited as a parenting expert, but your children aren't yet grown up. Is the adult result of raising children important?
I'm always leery of the word "expert," and I like to use quotes around it. My perspective comes from having spent 20 years interviewing all the parenting authorities. I've also had four kids of my own.
My advice is only guaranteed up to age 10. There's not a lot of evidence about these other parenting practices out there, the stressed-out, anxiety-ridden ones. The proof will be in the pudding, 20 years from now, when we see what these different parenting styles are doing to kids. I'm coming from the perspective that most of us were raised more like what I'm describing than what's going on today. And most of us are OK.
Tyra Damm is a Frisco freelance writer.
What are your thoughts if any:
Worry less, wing it more
Quit making parenting so difficult, one mom says
11:09 AM CDT on Thursday, October 19, 2006
By TYRA DAMM / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News
Also Online
Link: Read Paula Spencer's Momfidence! blog
Raising kids isn't as difficult as moms make it seem, says Paula Spencer, who expresses confidence cultivated as a mom of four (ages 7 to 14) and a writer specializing in the parenting of younger children.
The 40-something Woman's Day columnist shares her relaxed parenting philosophy and the adventures of her family in Momfidence! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting (Three Rivers Press, $12.95). "We've made raising kids into this very complicated thing, and nobody can live up to that," Ms. Spencer says. "We make it a lot harder by stressing about whether the milk is organic and whether kids should be taking Chinese lessons to compete in the new economy, whether they make it onto the elite level Pee Wee football, whether his clothes are color coordinated. Most of that is not necessary."
Momfidence! encourages mothers to trust their instincts, have fun raising children and tune out internal monologues of guilt. Here is what she shared with The Dallas Morning News, in a recent phone interview from her home in Chapel Hill, N.C.
What has most surprised you about being a mom?
That me of all people could do it. I was least likely to wear a Snugli. I had never held a baby. I had never been particularly interested in babies. And now I have four kids, and writing about kids is what I do for a living.
What's also surprised me is that it's not so hard. You go through nine months of dos and don'ts in pregnancy. Then you're faced with this little creature whose life is in your hands. You gather up all this advice and input, so you're programmed to think it will be really hard. In fact, it's challenging, it's expensive, it's time-consuming, it's exasperating. And it's a lot of fun things, too. It's not really, really difficult.
Why do moms need permission not to feel guilty?
I don't say that moms shouldn't feel guilty, because I think that guilt and moms go together like sleep deprivation goes with motherhood. I think people get into trouble thinking or being told that they can make guilt disappear if only they would do X, Y and Z. Moms feel guilty about everything all the time. The thing to do with the guilt is to just set it aside. Guilt is like a sign you're having good intentions and wanting to do the best you can. If you listen to the guilt too much, that can make you crazy.
Should moms give up on reading advice books and the latest news on parenting?
I'm very pro-expert. But it's how we use the experts that I think ought to change. My thing is thinking of experts more like cookbooks, where if you have a specific problem, you can look up the answers, but use five different books and check out the range of advice, because Betty Crocker, Emeril, Rachael Ray and Julia Child are all going to have different things to do with the chicken breast. You pick what makes sense to you. Too often we're using experts like they're the gospel truth.
What's the most important advice you offer in the book?
Worry less and wing it more. Winging it means doing the best you can in the circumstances you're placed in.
Why do you think the current generation of moms think motherhood is so hard?
I don't think it's any one thing. I think a lot of trends have come together to hammer us. Smaller family size means parents have more time and money to invest in their kids and worry. The expert culture – they're on TV, they all have books, they're all in magazines. There are a lot more voices out there. The celebrity culture that shows us these glamorous images of moms who look fabulous. You don't see their trainers and Botox people.
More working moms means we want to make the most of the time we spend with our kids. At-home moms have become almost a profession, and you want to do the best by your kids because you're with them. All these things come together.
Are you hopeful that the pendulum will swing back to what you think is the better way?
A lot of moms are saying, "Enough already." When I talk to people, I get this real collective sigh of relief. Lots of people are doing lots of these things already. It doesn't get talked about.
The media gravitates to the extremes: What is really new and bizarre, what is really bad and bizarre. Saying, "Just let them play and let them eat and let them be kids, don't worry about Harvard," are not very sexy messages. But they're such important messages, because I see so many moms who are whipped into a frenzy.
Parenting is such a joy. Kids are goofy and they're fun. They're a pain sometimes, too, and we have our share of yelling and dirty socks on the floor in this house. But the big picture is your family and what happens day in and day out.
They do grow like weeds. They kind of grow themselves, and a lot of how they grow doesn't have anything to do with you, hard as that is for a modern mom to take.
You're often cited as a parenting expert, but your children aren't yet grown up. Is the adult result of raising children important?
I'm always leery of the word "expert," and I like to use quotes around it. My perspective comes from having spent 20 years interviewing all the parenting authorities. I've also had four kids of my own.
My advice is only guaranteed up to age 10. There's not a lot of evidence about these other parenting practices out there, the stressed-out, anxiety-ridden ones. The proof will be in the pudding, 20 years from now, when we see what these different parenting styles are doing to kids. I'm coming from the perspective that most of us were raised more like what I'm describing than what's going on today. And most of us are OK.
Tyra Damm is a Frisco freelance writer.
posted by Aurelia at 11:00 AM
NEW! 
3 Comments:
I agree that parents (moms) sometimes lean on "experts" too much - like they HAVE to follow what they say or their child will be damaged.
I'm very laid back as a parent - I like to think I am raising my kids as my Mom raised me as her Mom raised her. I get that part of it is my culture though.
I had my daughter a few months before a few friends had their babies. One of my good friends - mom of twins - usually tells me that she is impressed that I can be so relaxed about parenting because she tries and just can't. I don't know what to tell people - part of me thinks okay well you either are or aren't....but then again I'm sure there is an expert out there telling people this (or maybe they are listening to this woman!) and thus they force themselves to be more relaxed.
It's nice to hear such a fresh outlook on things... I for one am tired of this "super mom" society and whose kid is smarter, better, healthier.... it's about time we bring back some good old fashioned parenting!
Cool article. Whenever I hear people talking about how they can't follow what some parenting expert says and they feel bad, I think, "You know what? That expert has never even met your child, so, if not everything they say fits it's okay."
It's like approaching softball experts and clinics, I know that I may or may not agree with everything they say or do, but if I can take one or two things and learn from it and become better, then it's worth it.
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