Religion Done Wrong, So Very Very Wrong
Recently, I made this post on the Mom's Talk Forum. I tried to make it as general as I could, but either I hit too much of a cord or people just didn't get what I was saying...because only good ol' Tishia replied.
Honestly, I'm miffed...I'm angry...I'm downright pissed-off. Excuse my language.
When we go through tough times, we sometimes need to find that higher power to pull us through. I've seen alcoholics go through this in 12-step programs. I've seen divorced moms finally pull through the heartache by embracing their God. It's not uncommon and I think it's a wonderful thing to find your meaning in the universe.
But sometimes, people find their meaning in demeaning others. That is wrong and that is abusing every higher power I've ever heard of.
I have a friend, going through a very painful separation and imminent divorce. Her husband cheated on her, which was the catalyst for the separation. But he also physically and especially, mentally abused her throughout their marriage - even though she tried to ignore it at the time. As far as I know, he never struck her, but pushed her and destroyed property in their home.
(Side note: I hope my friend forgives me for airing her dirty laundry here...but I do it out of sheer frustration and hope that someone out there will have some insight that will help.)
Anyway, we'll fast-forward through a ton of crap she's put up with, including the continued mental abuse..but here's the situation:
She has full custody.
He has visitation rights outlined in a court document, but has joint guardianship - which in Canada, means he has rights to decide the children's future, what they learn, their influences, etc.
It seems that he has become a "religious" man of late. He has subscribed to a religion that allows for no drinking, no smoking and sex is for procreation purposes. He is becoming a "better person" he says.
At the same time he is becoming a better person, he has taken no ownership of the fact that he cheated and has been (and still is) abusive. As Because Mom Said So contributor Kelly said to me in a MSN conversion (and I paraphrase and she can correct me in the comments section), "If he had a spiritual awakening, he would have acknowledged the mistakes he has made in the past."
This guy has no intention of saying he's sorry for cheating on his wife of 7 years (it's now 2 years later). He has no intention of saying he's sorry for trying to control his wife's life and the friends she communicated with. He only wants to say that she's a slut (again, excuse my language...but I gotta lay it out as it's been given) and for carrying on a relationship with a man while they're separated (seems he won't cough up the 50% he promised for the divorce)...but worst of all...he wants to bring the kids in on it.
Here's a guy who has a 2 and a 4 year-old and constantly says he can't take both children at once because he "can't handle it." He's had the 4-year old overnight once in his life and that was just last weekend. Yet, he knows what's best for the children and the mother they know and love is not it. They don't need such a whore in their life and need more guidance in their life.
So now, he wants to change his visitation rights and has asked my friend to grant an overnight stay to him each and every week (to cover the "Sabbath Day", while he has a "teacher" to teach about his new religious values.
Seriously, what is a girl to do? She can limit him to visit on the visitation days, but she can't really limit the religious input because he has guardianship rights. Besides, I think sharing your faith is a good thing...but come on...this is not faith...it's a veiled attempt at shedding the mother in a bad light.
I feel so bad because I've been through a separation (that ended in a successful reconciliation), but it never got ugly like this. There were bad feelings between the spouses, but the children prevailed. He doesn't want the children to prevail. He wants himself to be right and for his wife to be wrong...and I don't know what she can do to make things better.
Honestly, I'm miffed...I'm angry...I'm downright pissed-off. Excuse my language.
When we go through tough times, we sometimes need to find that higher power to pull us through. I've seen alcoholics go through this in 12-step programs. I've seen divorced moms finally pull through the heartache by embracing their God. It's not uncommon and I think it's a wonderful thing to find your meaning in the universe.
But sometimes, people find their meaning in demeaning others. That is wrong and that is abusing every higher power I've ever heard of.
I have a friend, going through a very painful separation and imminent divorce. Her husband cheated on her, which was the catalyst for the separation. But he also physically and especially, mentally abused her throughout their marriage - even though she tried to ignore it at the time. As far as I know, he never struck her, but pushed her and destroyed property in their home.
(Side note: I hope my friend forgives me for airing her dirty laundry here...but I do it out of sheer frustration and hope that someone out there will have some insight that will help.)
Anyway, we'll fast-forward through a ton of crap she's put up with, including the continued mental abuse..but here's the situation:
She has full custody.
He has visitation rights outlined in a court document, but has joint guardianship - which in Canada, means he has rights to decide the children's future, what they learn, their influences, etc.
It seems that he has become a "religious" man of late. He has subscribed to a religion that allows for no drinking, no smoking and sex is for procreation purposes. He is becoming a "better person" he says.
At the same time he is becoming a better person, he has taken no ownership of the fact that he cheated and has been (and still is) abusive. As Because Mom Said So contributor Kelly said to me in a MSN conversion (and I paraphrase and she can correct me in the comments section), "If he had a spiritual awakening, he would have acknowledged the mistakes he has made in the past."
This guy has no intention of saying he's sorry for cheating on his wife of 7 years (it's now 2 years later). He has no intention of saying he's sorry for trying to control his wife's life and the friends she communicated with. He only wants to say that she's a slut (again, excuse my language...but I gotta lay it out as it's been given) and for carrying on a relationship with a man while they're separated (seems he won't cough up the 50% he promised for the divorce)...but worst of all...he wants to bring the kids in on it.
Here's a guy who has a 2 and a 4 year-old and constantly says he can't take both children at once because he "can't handle it." He's had the 4-year old overnight once in his life and that was just last weekend. Yet, he knows what's best for the children and the mother they know and love is not it. They don't need such a whore in their life and need more guidance in their life.
So now, he wants to change his visitation rights and has asked my friend to grant an overnight stay to him each and every week (to cover the "Sabbath Day", while he has a "teacher" to teach about his new religious values.
Seriously, what is a girl to do? She can limit him to visit on the visitation days, but she can't really limit the religious input because he has guardianship rights. Besides, I think sharing your faith is a good thing...but come on...this is not faith...it's a veiled attempt at shedding the mother in a bad light.
I feel so bad because I've been through a separation (that ended in a successful reconciliation), but it never got ugly like this. There were bad feelings between the spouses, but the children prevailed. He doesn't want the children to prevail. He wants himself to be right and for his wife to be wrong...and I don't know what she can do to make things better.
posted by Alice at 12:52 AM
NEW! 
2 Comments:
As a non-religious person, who's faith (or lack of it) has conflicted with other family members, I've been there.
My goal is to raise my children to discover and make their own choice, but raised with morals and ethics. That means been respectful to everyone, even if their ideas of faith conflict with theirs.
That's why we're having open discussions and understanding about all religions.
You friend is in a tough spot, so I think talking about it all is the best answer.
And I agree with Kelly: this guy is using his so-called faith to continue abusing his ex. (Ok she didn't quite put it that way, but I am.)
You pretty much nailed what I said Alice.
Someone who has 'found God' through the Christian faith has discovered two things...
First, that HE has fallen short. And Second, that God loves him anyways.
Someone who has 'found religion' usually picks up on a completely different message - one of judgment and condemnation.
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