When Is the RIGHT Time to Introduce Them?
If you’re a single mom, when do you decide to let a boyfriend meet your kids?
My friend is in this dilemma. Her boyfriend doesn’t have kids, so doesn’t really “get” that you don’t introduce everyone to your kids. He puts a bit of pressure on her because he’s eager to meet them and she feels guilty.
I told her to explain it to him in a way that has nothing to do with him, but like this:
“I’ve made the mistake of introducing my children too soon before. Because of that, I made the decision that nobody meets my kids until I’ve been seeing them for 6 months. It’s not that I’m not serious about you, but it’s what I decided long ago and I want to stick with it.”
I told her that by 6 months, if she doesn’t want him to meet her kids then she’s probably not serious about him and should break it off anyway.
How do you single mamas handle it?
My friend is in this dilemma. Her boyfriend doesn’t have kids, so doesn’t really “get” that you don’t introduce everyone to your kids. He puts a bit of pressure on her because he’s eager to meet them and she feels guilty.
I told her to explain it to him in a way that has nothing to do with him, but like this:
“I’ve made the mistake of introducing my children too soon before. Because of that, I made the decision that nobody meets my kids until I’ve been seeing them for 6 months. It’s not that I’m not serious about you, but it’s what I decided long ago and I want to stick with it.”
I told her that by 6 months, if she doesn’t want him to meet her kids then she’s probably not serious about him and should break it off anyway.
How do you single mamas handle it?
posted by Alice at 11:42 AM
NEW! 
11 Comments:
Okay, so it's a different point of view I have: A single mom (divorced?) should probably stay away from introducing boyfriends to the kids, and perhaps stay away from men altogether as second marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages.
Maybe dating is the last thing that should cross her mind and the kids should be the very FIRST thing in her mind.
Yes, she should have a life too, but that doesn't mean that she lets that life interfere with the raising of her kids - which is her first responsibility. There will be time when the kids are grown (18) to date and not worry about the influences that are brought into the lives of young, impressionable people.
Now that I've alienated you, I must say that I find the previous post about the language of your 9 yr old very cute! I love all my kids to pieces and should have kept better track of all the cute things they said like this!
You haven't alienated me, but I don't agree with you. That's okay, though. ;-)
I didn't write that other post. You can see who wrote everything by the green name at the bottom. That was written by Marie Ynami. There are a number of great mama writers on this blog.
But back to the topic:
It seems kind of narrow-minded to say that by having a relationship, a mother is not thinking of her kids first.
First, you made some assumptions. You assumed it would be her second marriage if she were to get married. Second, you also assumed that even if it were her second marriage, that her first marriage ended because of divorce.
There are many reasons mothers may be single. Some children may still have their fathers in their lives and some may not. It doesn't really matter for my point.
Kids can benefit from having a strong adult male role model in their lives. It's not just about the mama gettin' some. Still, kids benefit from having a mom that is happy, instead of lonely and miserable.
We're all from different backgrounds, life experiences and so forth. If a mom wants to stay single and feels she should do it for the sake of her children, that's just fine. But if she's miserable because of it, her kids will suffer too.
If it were me in this situation, I wouldn't want my kids to see me as a martyr or anything like that. I would rather them to see me as a strong woman that was able to pick up the pieces, move on with her life and be fulfilled in every aspect.
In my case my first marriage (if you can actually call it that) was a disaster. My son's real father doesn't even see him anymore. I have full legal custody.
When my son was nearly 3 I met my second husband. We are now very happily married with two other children and he has also adopted my son and is raising him as his own.
I was very careful about who my son met and he previously only knew of one other boyfriend although it was very casual and my son just thought of this person as a friend.
In my case, had I waited until my son was 18 he would be raised without a father or male role model, not to mention I would be a very lonely woman and not have my wonderful family.
In my case my second marriage is a success and my first was a disaster... I don't believe in those marriage statistics, it's down to individual circumstances whether things will work or not.
Yes,I appreciate your respectful comments, Alice and Mila. Everyone does have different opinions and what works for me may not be "it" for someone else. Thanks for being willing to read mine.
Alice - I realized after I posted the previous comment that the author was different - sorry!!
It was really hard to read the comment by Sara (about how maybe dating should be the last thing from her mind) with an open mind and not let myself get ticked off, I had to remind myself that everyone has their own opinions!
I'm a single mom and all us single moms have a right to be in a relationship and have companionship just like those that are married. Yes it's a difficult situation because there are kids involved and knowing the right time to introduce the boyfriend is a hard situation.
I have a good head on my shoulders and don't introduce my son to someone after the first date. It takes quite awhile before I feel comfortable introducing someone into my son's life. Yes I have made the mistake of introducing a man into my son's life when he shouldn't of been but I'm human and mistakes happen.
So as a single mom I think it's unfair to think that because we date we aren't putting our kids first. My son comes first and that will NEVER change!
Oh yeah I forgot to add that I wasn't married so it wouldn't be a 2nd marriage for me but a first. I was engaged to my son's dad but I left because he chose to sleep with someone other than me and I don't put up with that. There were other things as to why we didn't work out as well and I won't go into those circumstances but had we been married I would of left and ended in divorced because I wasn't willing to be treated the way I was and wasn't willing to let my son stay in that kind of environment either.
I sure wish I had these comments when I became single again.
My son was 3 when I divorced his father. He saw a lot of fighting and saw his dad not come home some nights. You would be surprised what a child understands.
I am now married again. Our situation was a little different. Believe it or not our moms set us up. My husband has a son the same age as my son and we met for a playdate. It worked out just fine. The boys played and I saw how great he was with his son - something I didn't see with my son and his dad. This may be what attracted me to him.
Getting married again was a great idea. Not only am I happy again, but both boys can see what a real relationship between a husband and wife should be like. I really think this will help in their future relationships.
I would say that I'm with the majority on this topic. My kids were 5 and 3 when I became a single mom (from divorce). I waited a while to date - mainly because it was an ugly separation at first and I was concentrating on keeping my life together and taking care of my kids.
Within a year and a half, I began to date - through an online service. This was mainly because I didn't go out much, I didn't frequent the nightclub scene, I was home with my kids every night...where else was I going to meet men?
I met some very nice men through this service, but my children didn't meet any of them. I went out on dates on the weekends that my ex had the kids and the occasional weeknight that he kept the kids on an overnight stay. My kids met one man when our relationship became serious...and boy was he nervous! He knew that if they didn't like him - it wasn't going to last.
Luckily, they liked him...our relationship continued to blossom and we got married later that year with my two kids standing by our sides.
We now have a third child together and I KNOW I made the right decision for me and my kids. I'm not faulting anyone else for the decisions they have made or maybe for the mistakes that they made.
You've got to be happy before you can take care of anyone else!
For me, it was a matter of being stubborn, perhaps. I was determine that I could live without a man in my life.
My divorce was a brutal and a heartwrenching 3 years. My children were ages 4 and 9 and I worked overtime keeping them from the side effects of a nasty divorce.
I circled myself with other moms with children of like age as mine. Most of these ladies were married, and usually their husbands would join us in little mini vacations (a night at Disney, or on the beach). Of course, when finances would allow. There was a group of about 12 of us that would do things together; cookouts, ice cream after church, etc. My girls and I were doing just fine without a man in my life. Besides I was too busy for one...training a man is simply too much work! LOL!
One of the ladies uncle moved into town and started to hang out with the group. He was nice, but NOT my type. He was older and wise, and I liked the young studly type. You know the ones...he had to be "prettier" than me.
My friend's uncle did things with us as a group, my children really liked him. They thought he was the pizza man because most of the time we would get together (as a group), he would bring pizza.
Over the course of a year, this man and I became closer friends. We never saw each other outside of the group, but we would talk on the phone a few nights a week. You see, I was so into my girls that I wasn't interested or had the "need" to develop a romantic relationship. I job was to take care of me and my girls.
For holidays, he would give things to my girls. Then he asked the girls if he could take me out on a date. This made the girls feel like they were apart of the decision making. They really liked this man because they got to know him from him spending time with the group. About 6 months after we started "officially" dating; going to the movies with the girls, going to dinner with the girls, etc. Seldom did we spend time alone, except on the weekends when the girls were with their father.
Anyway, about 6 months later, he asked my girls if he could marry me. They were so excited. When he finally asked me if I would marry him, he gave all three of us a ring. Again, my girls felt that they were apart of the decision making. We have now been married 10 years, we have a son together and the 5 of us have a GREAT relationship with each other.
My girls knew that they were the most important to me and they were confident in that. When my present husband came into our lives, he came in as a friend and they didn't feel threatened by him. To this day, they seek his advise most times before seeking mine. He is the level headed one; I'm the emotional one (hormones or something!)
My advise would be, really know that you can succeed in being a single mom. Yes, you have it a little tougher because you are on your own, but you are strong. God made us that way. Can you imagine a man passing something the size of a bowling ball through his "peepee"? You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are strong. You can accomplish dreams and goals on your own. Get yourself back to being ok before bringing in another person. Get rid of the nasty baggage of bitterness, hostility, etc, before bringing in another person. On nights that I was lonely, I would find myself climbing into bed with my girls and reading or watching TV, even if they were already asleep. It was just feeling them breathe of me that would make the loneliness go away.
My girls are now teenagers and they are strong young ladies. They have goals and desires in life and they are accommplishing them. My oldest daughter is graduating from college as a dental assistant next month.
This is how it worked for me, I hope that my story blessed someone. :)
Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and opinions. It's great to see so many people find happiness after some hard times.
I think one it depends on each kid their age what you feel they
can and can not handle. Kids are not dumb they know when you’re dating.
But I don’t feel you should not bring every guy home.
When I was single (married going on 16 years now) my oldest was very little
When I meet my now hubby I first had him come over with a group of other friends
A few time to see how they acted together and to let them get to know each other slowly.
I think this worked out for the best. Their was a few dates I brought home the seam way
And they just didn’t seam to get along. So when they didn’t come back she just though
They were a friend of friends and didn’t think anything about it.
I respected the other posts right to not date till the kids our of age.
But I feel just because you’re a mom does not mean your not still a women.
I would want my kids to know if their marriage does not work out their life is
Not over. When I was dating my kid always came first! But still found time
To date I do thing dating changes a bit after kids though for one your way more
Careful on whom you got on a date with.
It saddens me to think about the life and family we both would have missed out on
Had I not started dating again.
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