Will you adopt my Mother in Law - pretty please!
This is a desparate cry for help! My mother in law is literally driving me out of mind. She is 81 years old and to make a long story short ... it seems to me that she decided to move in with us. I am sooooooo not ready.
This started when I thought we were just visiting her (she lives 70 miles away from us) and having lunch with her - 3 weeks ago ... to my surprise - (I don't know if my husband warned me or if he just forgot to tell me or mis-informed me) she was coming home with us (to our house in Redlands, CA) for a few days --- ok - what is your definition of few days? Mine was maybe 3 ... 7 tops .... well, 3 days became 7 days ... 7 days became 14 days ... 14 days is still going - we are on week 3 ... and it seems to me like everytime - it is almost time for us to take her home - she gets sick and weak ... she is 81 and lives by herself and I suppose she should not be by herself anymore at this age.
My problem is ... ever since we first met, we didn't start off "good". She always had "something" to say about me (I guess because - I was the woman who took her little boy away from her) - but c'mon - my husband and I have been together for 20 years now ... gimme a break! I often think ... in my house ... there is room for only ONE "#%tch" - I thought that room was for me ... not her. I CAN NOT stand her and even if I love my husband sooooooo much - I do not know how long I can hold my tongue.
I have tried talking to my husband and telling him how "unhappy" I am with the situation but I feel like he is either "not listening", "not caring enough" or "not knowing what to do!" I understand how it could be difficult for him to choose who he is going to make happy. I have been sooooo depressed for the last few days - I have never been such a wreck. It has gotten to the point where I just stay in the bedroom for the most part of the day because I do not want to be with her in the same room. She has taken over the living room and camped in my sofa - I can not even watch my favorite shows anymore without getting annoyed. We only have 3 bedrooms - one for me and my hubby, one for my teenage daughter (who will not share her room) and one for my two boys to share. There is no room for her! Now my husband is looking at borrowing money so we can extend the house .... like we can afford it. I am truly frustrated and un-happy.
I hope this is just a phase I am going through and I hope I can find it in my heart to truly accept her and my "NEW" living situation. I think I just recent the fact that I feel that my husband passed on the responsibilty of taking care / babysitting his mom to me. He can leave the house to go to work ... workout ... and do whatever stuff if he doesn't want to deal with her (because he can not stand her either).
I am so sorry to vent here but right now ... I don't know what to do.
Any suggestions?
This started when I thought we were just visiting her (she lives 70 miles away from us) and having lunch with her - 3 weeks ago ... to my surprise - (I don't know if my husband warned me or if he just forgot to tell me or mis-informed me) she was coming home with us (to our house in Redlands, CA) for a few days --- ok - what is your definition of few days? Mine was maybe 3 ... 7 tops .... well, 3 days became 7 days ... 7 days became 14 days ... 14 days is still going - we are on week 3 ... and it seems to me like everytime - it is almost time for us to take her home - she gets sick and weak ... she is 81 and lives by herself and I suppose she should not be by herself anymore at this age.
My problem is ... ever since we first met, we didn't start off "good". She always had "something" to say about me (I guess because - I was the woman who took her little boy away from her) - but c'mon - my husband and I have been together for 20 years now ... gimme a break! I often think ... in my house ... there is room for only ONE "#%tch" - I thought that room was for me ... not her. I CAN NOT stand her and even if I love my husband sooooooo much - I do not know how long I can hold my tongue.
I have tried talking to my husband and telling him how "unhappy" I am with the situation but I feel like he is either "not listening", "not caring enough" or "not knowing what to do!" I understand how it could be difficult for him to choose who he is going to make happy. I have been sooooo depressed for the last few days - I have never been such a wreck. It has gotten to the point where I just stay in the bedroom for the most part of the day because I do not want to be with her in the same room. She has taken over the living room and camped in my sofa - I can not even watch my favorite shows anymore without getting annoyed. We only have 3 bedrooms - one for me and my hubby, one for my teenage daughter (who will not share her room) and one for my two boys to share. There is no room for her! Now my husband is looking at borrowing money so we can extend the house .... like we can afford it. I am truly frustrated and un-happy.
I hope this is just a phase I am going through and I hope I can find it in my heart to truly accept her and my "NEW" living situation. I think I just recent the fact that I feel that my husband passed on the responsibilty of taking care / babysitting his mom to me. He can leave the house to go to work ... workout ... and do whatever stuff if he doesn't want to deal with her (because he can not stand her either).
I am so sorry to vent here but right now ... I don't know what to do.
Any suggestions?
posted by MarieY at 12:23 PM
NEW! 
10 Comments:
Move out, buy a house with a mother in law suite? At least she'd be outside?
Does your husband have any other sibs who could help out paying for rent for her somewhere else? Did you say if she needed care or not?
I guess she needs care - she's 81 and weak. Sadly, we can't afford to move out and buy a house with more rooms or a MIL suite.
My hubby does have other sibs but one is in Hawaii (and I do not think he is willing to take her)and the other one - she can't live with because they will end up killing each other (they do not get along) - My Hubby is the youngest - my MIL's baby. That is why I think it is just assumed that he is to take care of her. Seriously, I do not think my husband wants her to live by herself.
Find some outside activities for her. Sounds like she needs some outside interests.
Your husband does hear you. He just not doing what you want. Think about being in her situtation. Would you want your DIL telling your son to move you out?
I would try to reach out to her. Especially since she's not going anywheres.
Welcome to the Sandwich Generation. I would seek counseling from your religious leader, social worker therapist, etc. They can provide an outlet, as well as some coping tips.
So he has two other siblings who aren't willing to pony up some cash to help care for their elderly Mom?
Hmm....
Has your husband always played the role of the Hero?
In your situation.....I would discuss the matter with my husband and express my feelings.
We would come up with a mutually agreed upon solution!
If he didn't hold up his end of the "solution", I would take the kids and live elsewhere until he did.
I know this isn't much help!
Thankfully this will never be an issue. We tried to have my MIL stay with us a few days. Long story short....She refused....! Thank God - End of Story! Beginning of new one. LOL
Isn't it our responsibility as adults to take care of our aging parents? It's the least we can do considering they raised us for 18+ years. It sounds to me like you should show some respect to this woman, since she was the one who gave birth and raised your husband to be the fine responsible man that he is.
Rona - we have tried to engage her in activities but she does not want that at all - she doesn't care much to interact with others. Counseling may be a solution - will have tolook into that.
Carrie - yup, he has always played hero - sadly, his siblings can not send any cash to help with the situation.
Denise - you are lucky!
Anonymous - I agree it is our responsibility to care for OUR aging parents - however, I feel like my hubby is passing on the responsibility to me while he has an excuse to be out of the house and I end up being stressed out with my MIL. What makes you think I do not show respect to her? Does expressing my how I feel mean I am disrespectful? I was sort of assigned a responsibility that her own children should be taking care of - was I ever asked if it was ok - nope. They just assumed that it is OK because I am a stay at home mom.
You basically called her a "#%tch" and said that you " CAN NOT stand her". How is that not to be considered as disrespect?
Yes I did ... and I did call myself one too so I guess I do not respect myself either. Just because I can not stand one person does not mean I disrespect them. If being truthful to myself about my feelings right now is discrespectful - then, I guess I am guilty.
First, I commend you for staying with it and hanging in there. It's a tough situation to be in. But in my opinion your hubby shouldn't have brought your ML to your house with an INTENTION of her staying long term, Without Your OK and Approval! It APPEARS to me that he either did THAT on his own (or) in colusion with his mom.
Second, your ML needs to have a place to stay too, but it isn't NECESSARILY at your house unless YOU agree to it AND under what exact circumstances.(Laid out ahead os time by hubby and you, AND with her Agreement and knowledge of the circumstances)
Third, you (And Hubby) need to go to a counselor to work out the details of whether she should be there or not. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should she be at your house LONGTERM without YOUR Consent, and IF hubby did THAT without telling you and discussing YOUR desires regarding it, FRANKLY he was, let's just say, presuming something that he shouldn't have presumed, to say the least!
Now, hang in there and take yourself and hubby to a good counselor ASAP, so that you don't develop any more resentments from it. But hubby MUST be willing to go with you and participate. But you may want to discuss it with the counselor first privately! Just you and the counselor first, then get him to go with you!
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