Compromising in Marriage
I love my husband. He's a great guy and we happen to get along *most* of the time. Still I think there are things I struggle with in any relationship and one of those things is that I find it very difficult to compromise. I know, I know that right away sounds like a recipe for disaster but let me explain...
My whole life, I've been an extremely independent person. I like to do my own thing, my way, when I want to. So it's very difficult to realize there are times this doesn't work. Now as a mother I NEVER get my way but I can deal with that because in my mind that's just part of life and kids are, well, kids. In business I can also deal with this because in a partnership or when you work with customers you follow certain rules and compromise where necessary, that's just how it works.
But in marriage there really isn't any immediate reason WHY you should compromise. Of course, if you don't eventually the marriage and family will break down and that's awful, but there is no immediate reason. So I've been wondering if this is why people don't often compromise in relationships? Perhaps they're not thinking ahead and it's just too easy to NOT compromise?
Well enough said, that's my contribution and Saturday night ramblings. Maybe one or two of you can kinda relate?
My whole life, I've been an extremely independent person. I like to do my own thing, my way, when I want to. So it's very difficult to realize there are times this doesn't work. Now as a mother I NEVER get my way but I can deal with that because in my mind that's just part of life and kids are, well, kids. In business I can also deal with this because in a partnership or when you work with customers you follow certain rules and compromise where necessary, that's just how it works.
But in marriage there really isn't any immediate reason WHY you should compromise. Of course, if you don't eventually the marriage and family will break down and that's awful, but there is no immediate reason. So I've been wondering if this is why people don't often compromise in relationships? Perhaps they're not thinking ahead and it's just too easy to NOT compromise?
Well enough said, that's my contribution and Saturday night ramblings. Maybe one or two of you can kinda relate?
posted by Mila at 12:30 PM
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6 Comments:
I think there is an immediate reason: There is no possible way to people will see eye-to-eye on every single issue.
I admit I have trouble with compromise in my relationship, but I'm working on it. Sometimes just letting go is what can relieve the stress and keep you focused on just being happy.
Of course, I don't know what the compromise is...but most of the time it's not worth fighting about.
Everything will work out, Mila.
Yep, it's little things nothing major _ Like I want to fix up the house and take the money and he says we should wait and be sensible. I need a clean and organize space, he's happy to *wait* to have that space.
Hi Mila, I struggle with similar issues.
We built our house 9 years ago and it still needs the small things (and some not so small), that would make it nice, I am working hard to make it better but my husband is not cooperative in doing the things that need to be done - he uses money issues and will not budge.
I don't have any answers in that respect, but I saw an episode of clean sweep (a decluttering show where they get rid of all the junk) that really did open my eyes to the power of comprimise IF both parties are willing.
A couple started out justifying and being defensive about everything they had, but after Peter Walsh pointed out that they where divided and letting "stuff" come between them, they started working together and trying to see each others point of view.
The exercise that seemed to work best was to make each of them pretend to be the other for a few minutes, to look at things completely from their point of view.
It seemed to be a turning point for not caving, but comprimise, and remembering to not let external things weaken their commitment to each other. Their whole attitude changed.
Of course, this was TV :0)
I guess that is the challenge of being married, it isn't easy at times, that is for sure.
I guess the bottomline of things like this is to ask, what is the issue, is this a "stuff" or external issue, or a relationship issue.
If it's a stuff issue, it's important to keep a strong union and respect for each other as a priority in the process of working it out, if it's a relationship issue, probably exploration in that direction is a good idea - not meaning you in particular Mila, it's a general insomniatic rambling :0)
As Alice said, I'm sure you'll work it out, maybe you can sit down, discuss your feelings about it and make a plan that you can work on together that will satisfy both of you. (I think that's called a comprimise :0)
Thanks Jan! And yes these are definitely small issues which is why I can sort of joke and talk about them. Like when I recently said I want to bop my husband on the head and make him wake up ;-)
I tend to be very stubborn but I eventually come around to seeing most things from his point of view. He just worries about finances where I'm very lose with my purse strings! I guess really it's a good thing because if we were both spenders then that wouldn't be good.
I think the mirroring exercise is a good idea.
Very good ramblings Alice! I'm always wondering if I am too uncompromising when it comes to my husband.
I had a busy weekend with kids appointments, college visits, house issues, etc.
He knew I wanted to get a special insert for our Christmas Urn and knew I wouldn't have the time to go myself given my schedule (and his).
So Sunday morning he tells to rest up since he'll go and get the decorations, baughs etc. for the urn. I think to myself - fantastic.
He comes back with a wonderful insert with baughs and such, he even finds these neat fake birch twigs that have led lights where the buds would be. Exactly what I wanted...except he got them with pale blue lights (which he thinks are white).
Every year I tell him how much I hate the pastel/fashion coloured Christmas lights. In my opinion Christmas lights are colourful and should be red, green and white (no pastel colours).
I asked him if he had forgotten my take on Christmas lights and he was a little miffed that I didn't even appreciate the effort.
Sigh...I agree with him (for once).
Sorry for the long ramble! But yes I think I do tend to expect a lot more from my husband than I do from anyone else.
As a Christian I find that it's very easy to compromise. It's not difficult to stop fighting with each other and work together as a team.
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