Nothing In My Closet Is Me

How does this happen?

Do you ever walk in to your closet and think, "Nothing in this closet is me. Not a thing. There is not a single thing in my entire closet that I like."

How does this happen? Does someone go into your closet at night and change everything around? No, it's the same stuff.

Do you just get sick of seeing it all? Does it have to do with YOU changing? The seasons changing?

Or what?

Is it just me?

I have this fantasy of winning one of those magazine makeovers. You know the ones. Where they take average but on the cute side moms, and with a flick of the hair cutting scissors wrist and artful choice of lip gloss turn her into a Jennifer Anniston (way past the cute side of the looks continuum) lookalike.

Then they trade in the jeans for the pretty dress that enhances all the nice girl bits and magically hides the muffin top? Those ones.

I wish someone would do that for me.

What kind of skirt DO I need to be wearing? And what kind of jeans? At 5'4", the petite jeans are too short and the regular jeans too long. The high waisteds are too high and the low waisted are just plain WRONG.

You know those "the right skirt/jeans/jacket etc for your body" articles? What if I don't neatly fit into the full bust/pear shape/boyish/curvy all over/big tummy category? What if I have one or more of those going on at the same time? What if I have both full bust AND boyish waist and hips AND mommy belly? Then what?

And what if my complexion doesn't fit into any neat category either? What if I'm both black haired AND pale AND olive? What kind of makeup do I wear then?

I think I must have M.B.P.D. Multiple beauty personality disorder. You think the Real Simple people could help?